What to do... what to do?

I always have to be doing something! Whats wrong with me? I tried to sit still and do nothing, and I realized... shit, I'm doing nothing.

I think we get use to our "normal." Having a hubby, 4 kids, 2 cats & a old dog make my life very busy... super busy. This has been my "normal" for the last 8 years. Now that my littlest one is about to turn 2 in October, things are starting to calm down. I was thinking I should get a hobby maybe, learn to relax... but then it feels so abnormal... so uncomfortable!

I thought... OK, I'll read... just sit down and read, something i would do by the day before I had kids... but that lasted for about 10 minutes... Katie dropped a glass bottle of Jam on the kitchen floor, while all 4 kids were standing there... Oh gosh! I spent the next hour looking at 8 feet, making sure no one had glass in their little toes. Cleaning the floor, searching for little specks of glass, and shooing the cats from licking up the globs of grape jelly... wonderful!

Then i thought to myself... I use to write! yes, i remember when i use to write... the blurry memory of sitting at a desk at the Sun Sentinel, writing a article, double checking facts, getting interviews... ahhh... I use to love that. Oh, but their is a problem... my kiddos would not do so well on a news floor.

I use to paint! I really enjoyed to paint! I looked around my house, I found some washable markers, some crayola watercolors, a little bit of clay with lettuce smashed into it (lovely). Ya, not feeling real creative anymore.

Then my daughter called me from the other room. "Mommy, can you help me dress my Barbie's?"
"Sure", I responded, and walked into her room. She had a whole set up of pink and purple dresses laying on the floor with about 15 butt naked barbies waiting to be made fabulous.

I thought to myself, " I use to love playing Barbies!" I can't believe I was in my daughters place, just a short time ago, asking my mom to help me dress my barbies. I sat down, started dressing barbie in a very way to sexy pink mini skirt and i thought to myself... "this is what I love the most, this is the best way to use my time. my daughter's and son need my extra time still, and the fulfillment I find in giving it to them way out ways that rush I use to get seeing something I wrote in print... well kind of."

Well it time for me to sign off. Katie is upstairs yelling for me. My oldest daughter Elizabeth has just informed me she squeezed into a Minnie Mouse dress that is about 3 sizes to small and can't get out... were did I put the scissors?

The trials of selfishness

The trials of selfishness

For me, it's always been easy to talk to people. I love to study them, figure them out, get to know their interests and fears. I have always known that not all people were interested in others this way. I've seen the way they ignore each other at the grocery, bump into one another and not apologize.

What is it that makes one person open hearted and giving, and another selfish and hard hearted? Is it the way they were raised? Is it a experience that turned them one way or another?

I have known so many wonderful people in my life so far, but have also known some truly selfish ones as well. You know the type... the ones who see something in your life they want, and will try to ruin your success to justify their failure.

For instance, a friend i once had was jealous of my marriage and children...they had no logical reason for it, it just was. To try and ruin it, they spread rumors, tried to cause problems, all that great stuff messed up people do. None of it succeeded, and during my friendship with this person i did see the warning signs. They would gossip about mutual friends, say horrible shocking things about them. The other Friends never found out because I was to afraid to hurt them. I however could not allow the same to be done to me... I ended the friendship, with lots of social consequences i could give a damn about.

Now here is my dilemma... by not telling the others and letting it go for so long, was i one of the selfish i so looked down upon? Most likely.

Life is complicated. i think we are never 100% of what we believe we should be... we are fallen and act accordingly.