Buried Memories

"A Thousand Words Can't Bring You Back,
I Know Because I Tried
And Neither Can a Million Tears
I Know Because I Cried."
~Author Unknown

Sometimes certain things trigger memories. A bit of colone can remind you of a loved one. A song on the radio, of a special time in your life. A location of a special moment.

Most of the time that memory is buried in the back of our minds... waiting there to be released. If its a painful memory, we sometimes purposely bury it... stick it way back there with our high school trig class or that embarrassing moment you accidentally burped in front of your oh so hot and sophisticated date.

I have quite a few sad memories I've buried in the back of my mind.. some I let out once and awhile, just because they are both painful and sweet... others I never let out. One thought of it and I make myself very busy in order to forget for awhile again.

One memory that keeps coming back to me these last few days was triggered by a song.. a simple sweet love song that I wish was not associated with the circumstance, because the radio stations love to play it when I'm not in the mood to hear it.

The song is Vanessa Carltons "A Thousand Miles."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cwkej79U3ek

About 10 years ago, John and I had our little baby Elizabeth, times were good. We were wrapped up in her... our lives were her. Everything she did we were amazed by. She was our little perfect princess.

I thought it would be so wonderful to give this little beauty a sibling. I wanted her to have someone if something ever happened to John and I. So we started to fun process of baby #2.

But the process was a struggle. It took a long time to get pregnant, I kept getting sick and my cycle was a mess. We decided to take a break.

Then during the break, I got pregnant! I was so excited. John was less so because my pregnancy with Elizabeth had been very hard on us. I was hospitalized most the time, in bed the rest. She kept wanting to join us early.

I took it easy via my doctors orders... She told me, "Nothing much preventive wise can be done for preterm labor the first 3 months, just take it easy, eat well, take care of yourself."

So that's what I did. Elizabeth and I would lay in bed and watch TV, or color or eat brownies :)

It was a precious time with her. A time with no hurry, just her and I cuddling.

I started getting flu like symptoms around the third month. I wrote it off as morning sickness. I could not even let a smell or a food come near me or I would be in the bathroom for hours. It was horrible.

Now, this all sounds normal, right? Puking prego lady who hates the smell of tacos...nothing special.

Then the cramping started... it lasted for days. The doctor could not do anything for me... it was to early in the pregnancy they said.

Two days later, at about 2am.. I got up to use the restroom and gave birth to my baby boy. I sat there for a long time and just cried... cried and cried and cried.

I had never felt such sadness in my life. I did not know this type of sorrow even existed.

Now, looking back, I realize it was my first real trauma, my first real heart break. I've lost other babies sense that time so many years ago, and all where painful and hard. But for some reason, that experience is burned into my mind with such clarity and such color, that it will be there way after my death. I know I'll take it with me into the afterlife, but as a hope of reunion when I meet those angels in heaven.

This is why when someone asks me about pregnancy and having babies I sometimes get a little skittish. The 10 years I spent having my 4 babies, I was always pregnant or nursing. I never took a break. I was determined to get the family I wanted, no matter how much pain I had to endure.

I'm glad now I was so single minded and stubborn... although it put so much stress on my marriage, and did take my time away for some of the kids when they were very little.

While most moms took their toddlers to the playground, i was in bed.... with my toddler or toddlers. My mom would come over and take them out for awhile and they would come back with great fun stories, but I missed most of it.

My sister would come by, stick me in the car and sneak me out for lunch or mom would wheel me around target in a wheel chair. But for the most part, I spent a good part of 10 years in my bed.

Now, I am a energetic person. Before this time I had never spent more then 5 hours in bed. I hated sleep, because you could sleep when you died... i wanted to always be doing something. My mother in law called me "a jumping jelly bean." My mom said I was just active, my dad would say, "awww, she got that from me." But whatever it was, I never stopped...ever.

So God was teaching me a lesson in patience, endurance, strength of mind and character.

A lesson that was painful, hard, and sad. I stuck with it though and taught myself how to design websites while in bed with my laptop. I started my own little business in bed. I read every book on the shelves, watched every episode of my favorite shows. Did all the things you have to sit for.

Now, the memory of that first loose is even a little harder because that baby was buried in Va. So instead of the others which kind of disappeared into heaven, the first has a permanent marker here on earth.

On the way to our small family funeral, the song by Vanessa Carlton came on, and pulled my heart stings to a point of snapping.

And to this day, i hear the song on the radio and listen to it, and see the whole day flash in my mind like I'm watching a movie. And its a tear jerker.

Life's weeds

Today I was outside with the kids, taking advantage of this beautiful, cool weather. I started looking around my yard and noticed some weeds popping up from the rains we've had. I bent over and yanked the ugly thing out, and threw it in the garbage can out front.

Then I started yanking all the little buggers out, and the more I pulled, the more I noticed. Some behind the hibiscus tree, more over in the flower bed, a whole colony by the mailbox.

I was kind of surprised because I had just done this less then a month ago, and the weeds had already come back!

My mom walked by with her Golden Retriever Molly... and saw me doing the yard work. I complained to her about how they had all came back so quickly.

She reminded me that pulling weeds is something that should be done often.. even every other day if you don't want it to get out of control. She said, "When you go to the mail box to get your load of bills, pull some there. When you go to the hose to wash the sand off the kids, pull some there...then it won't get unmanageable."

I thought about it and she was right, its really the same thing with all tasks... leave them go, and they get out of control.

Now the thing with weeds, is that if they are not pulled often enough, they will take all the good soil, nutrients, and water that you want your specimen plants to have.

Weeds have this tendency to grow thick, some have very deep root systems, they spread, have thorns, cause skin irritation and make allergy's worse. Really they are good for nothing but destruction of the garden you worked so hard on.

Then after the weeds where gone, I decided to remove some old dead bushes, transplant some flowers, make the flower bed look nicer. I mulched to make the soil better and retain water for my plants, I placed them at certain angels to display their best sides.

When I was done, I stood back and looked at it. What was before some dead bushes and a bunch of weeds was now a very pretty entry garden. I felt good looking at it... I felt... accomplished!

Being the type of person I am, which is the type that looks to deeply at everything, when I should just be enjoying myself, an interesting thought came to me.

These weeds are a lot like life's problems. Would it not be amazing if our lives where like a garden and we could just yank out life's weeds?

Smoking habit? Pull it out and burn it! Fight with the hubby? Yank that sucker and and plant a rose bush. Kids fighting again? Pull that weed right out and plant a peace lilly.

Life is for sure not that easy! But there is a lesson we can learn from gardening to improve our lives and keep them from becoming unmanageable.

Letting those weeds go for so long, the old weeds had had time to reseed and spread. See most the time, you cant really ever get rid of a weed, they are invasive plants. They reseed and flourish so quickly. Plus they are sneaky, they come in with that bag of mulch you bought from Home Depot, or that bird that flew by, or that new flower you picked up at the nursery.

In our life, weeds will always be there and will always be ready to take over the beautiful things we have. As gardeners of our own lives, bodies, minds... we need to make sure we take the time daily, either though prayer or meditation to ask Gods help in removing these weeds from our life so we don't end up with a life that resembles that house in foreclose down the street, ya know... the one with the 5 foot grass and ivy taking over the place.

Try to come to terms with the fact that these weeds are a part of the landscape. They will always be there and they will always require your attention. The part you have control over is whether or not you put in the time and energy to keep them manageable.

Oh, and don't ever feel bad if you do have the oppruntity to yank a few of the bad ones out and throw them in the trash... its just a better chance of less weeds tomorrow.

Go to the local nursery, buy yourself a beautiful lilac bush and put it where the weed was. Replacing the negative with positive beauty has never done anything but make a girl smile :)

Gods plan

Life has been a absolute whirlwind the past 6 months! We moved from our home of 7 years to a new place we love! The kids have grown up so much, my relationship with my husband has grown deeper as our 14th anniversy approches.

I have met some great new friends, and lost a few others... all of this has been amazing, and even though some of it seemed negative at the time, I have to say i see God's plan in it now.

Thats what I want to write about, Gods plan, fate, faith, providence. Whatever you want to call it. I find it amazingly beautiful, almost like music. You have your highs and lows, your happiness, your tears. But through it all, its shaping you to become who you are today!

I have learned so much over the past two years about who I am. For a long time I was just "mommy." Dont get me wrong, mommy is my most prized and cherished title. But I felt something lacking... a deep something.

I thought maybe I needed more friends, other moms to chat it out with. I found some great ones, but that did not fill the hole.

I tried writing a few articles and got a few published, but that did not do the trick either. I needed something deeper.

I got in shape, lost 80 pounds, build up my body, ran 6 miles a day... I felt great and look much better, but still the hole was there.

Finally about 5 months ago, while packing for our big move I found a note my dad wrote me while I was in college. He said this:

"Jenna, always remember that you are Gods child, on loan to us. Everyday I ask God to be my business partner, my guide. Everyday ask God to be your partner in school, make good decisions, do what's right, help people who need help. Study hard and finish school. Finish what you start, no matter how difficult, that is the greatest accomplishment."

When I saw this old letter from my dad (email was not yet the go to form of communication in 1996), I realized what I've been missing. I need God as my partner. I need to allow Him to guide me and not be so stubborn.

If I would have been doing this all along, listened to that small still voice inside, I would have avoided the bad friendships, made some wiser choices, been all around more successful in life.

So... I started this as a challenge to myself. Naturally, I am a pretty decent person. I don't gossip, I love my family, I can say I have never tried to hurt someone. But I do stupid things too... like drink to much when I do drink, or speak when I should be silent. Or smoke when I'm stressed. And the big one... try to help people who don't want help.

Every morning I asked God to guide me, to help me be better, to make me stronger to temptation. To remove bad people from my life. I have to say the results have been amazing, and painful. Losing friends is not something I'm good at. Anyone who knows me well, knows I am a big believer in faithfulness. Losing those friends was hard, but the positivity that has come into my life since is way worth the pain!

If you think about it... the Big guy loves us, wants us to be happy. He wants us to succeed. If you ask Him for those things and really allow His guidance, you'll get it from him.

Seek and you will find me.

Well I found Him. And He has directed me. Thank God!
I now feel that empty spot filled, because besides mommy, and wife, I'm Gods child.

That is our greatest title.

My Grandfathers love for this country

Well, it's the 4th of July. I have so many emotions and opinions about today and what it represents. Our country has taken a dramatic turn since that day we declared Independence. We have gone from a people who want little government and no ruling hand telling us what we can and can't do, to a welfare society looking for the next hand out.

My grandfather came here from Sicily. He always use to say that the Mafia ruled there and if you wanted to get anywhere in life, it had to be with them or though them. They required payments for safety, loyalty above all others, they were the ruling hand. When my family came here, my Great grandfather Rosario was well aware that if he wanted freedom and peace for his son, America was the answer.

I wonder what great grandpa would think about us now. Would he be proud of the way we have sat back and watched our country lose its sovernty to the United nations? Would he be proud at all our freedoms being whisked away in long bills, no one has read, voted on in mass rushes clothed in emergency's?

I doubt it. My grandpa, the young boy, new to America, remembered coming to America as a celebration. In fact, because of their origins in the farm town of Combello Sicily, they were unsure of their birthdays. When they had to register in the new country, they all claimed their birthdays as July 4th.

Our country's Independence became their new date of birth, their new life. It had started. Tears come to my eyes as I write this. The fact that so much joy, so much love for this country was carried over in my family on that boat brings me pride like no other.

Today, my grandfather who graduated from Cornell law school in two years, served in the Air Force as a pilot, served on the NY state supreme court, and ran for President against John F Kennedy was a true American.

He believed in this country. He knew we had great potential.

Please don't forget why your family came here. We are a wild, proud, fighting, independent people. We come from explores who left their country's to give their families the gift of freedom.

We need to honor their memories and never forget that this country is GREAT! We are Americans! We are FREE! We need to never ever forget that the politicians are not America, WE ARE AMERICA!

God Bless you and the many who have died for us in glory to keep us free. Please don't let our families sacrifices to leave all known lands, to come here, to make us free, be in vain.

As my grandfather today lies in bed, suffering from the horrible disease of Altimers, he is unaware of the road we have started on. For that I am thankful. I don't think he would be pleased with us one bit. In fact, he want to kick our wimpy asses back to Sicily.

my life as a Christian, a non legalistic one.....

Every day, every moment, my relationship with my Savior is one that is always in the back of my mind. That's the problem... learning to balance my tendency to go into what I call "Maintenance Mode" with my kids and let everything else kinda come second.

I have been raised as a Christian, my parents are wonderful people who display Christs love to everyone they meet (some of you may have experienced this already). Its a hard act to follow. But the high expectations that puts on me is a good thing.

Every now and then, God gives me a slap on the head and says... "Jenna, Me first, those kids you have were a gift from me... that's husband of yours is a gift from me... those parents of yours are a gift from me."

I am the kinda gal who enjoys a good time. I love to have fun, I love people, I love kids, I love relationships and I love the work you put into them. Its so satisfying to see after almost 12 years, my marriage which has had good and hard times, come out almost 12 years later so legitly real.

The hard times, God allowed, I believe, to bring John and I out of our comfort zones and have to relay on Him.

We looked at each other after a very hard year of Elizabeth being very ill, John losing his job at the brokerage firm, and having to work 2 full time jobs to keep this roof over our head, and we can now say... "Wow, we learned a heck of a lot!."

We learned that Family is everything... love them no matter what... as with all things "This to shall pass."

We learned that we are a team. Our kids depend on us, we have pretty traditional roles and we find that works well for us. He goes to work, I stay home and take care of babies.

We learned that good friends are a blessing.

We learned though Elizabeth being sick and John losing his job that being a good friend is as important as having good friends.

"A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.Prov 18:24 New King James Version"

We also learned that all things really do work out for good... we have a pretty damn good life. One I am proud of. We have 4 beautiful children who I think are pretty good kids. They all have distinct personalities that God has giving them and I would not change one!

Elizabeth: smart, loving, a care giver. Always there to pick up a fallen friend or sibling.

Victoria: strong, opinioned, loving and snuggly. Always willing to hug and kiss her mama... always ready to defend a sibling!

Katie: Sweet, loving, precious... and feisty!

Johnny: all boy, loves his mama, looks up to his dada.. ready to smash and crash.

What it comes down to is that I really feel God has blessed us, has a plan for us, forgives us, and just like I have to discipline my kids and love them even though they are not perfect. My heavenly father loves me even though I have a few beers, say a curse word once and awhile, and yell at my kids for unrolling all the TP.

He loves me because I love him... he loves me because I am his child... he loves me because he created me. And let me tell ya, my God is always there... he never leaves me. He loves me!

What to do... what to do?

I always have to be doing something! Whats wrong with me? I tried to sit still and do nothing, and I realized... shit, I'm doing nothing.

I think we get use to our "normal." Having a hubby, 4 kids, 2 cats & a old dog make my life very busy... super busy. This has been my "normal" for the last 8 years. Now that my littlest one is about to turn 2 in October, things are starting to calm down. I was thinking I should get a hobby maybe, learn to relax... but then it feels so abnormal... so uncomfortable!

I thought... OK, I'll read... just sit down and read, something i would do by the day before I had kids... but that lasted for about 10 minutes... Katie dropped a glass bottle of Jam on the kitchen floor, while all 4 kids were standing there... Oh gosh! I spent the next hour looking at 8 feet, making sure no one had glass in their little toes. Cleaning the floor, searching for little specks of glass, and shooing the cats from licking up the globs of grape jelly... wonderful!

Then i thought to myself... I use to write! yes, i remember when i use to write... the blurry memory of sitting at a desk at the Sun Sentinel, writing a article, double checking facts, getting interviews... ahhh... I use to love that. Oh, but their is a problem... my kiddos would not do so well on a news floor.

I use to paint! I really enjoyed to paint! I looked around my house, I found some washable markers, some crayola watercolors, a little bit of clay with lettuce smashed into it (lovely). Ya, not feeling real creative anymore.

Then my daughter called me from the other room. "Mommy, can you help me dress my Barbie's?"
"Sure", I responded, and walked into her room. She had a whole set up of pink and purple dresses laying on the floor with about 15 butt naked barbies waiting to be made fabulous.

I thought to myself, " I use to love playing Barbies!" I can't believe I was in my daughters place, just a short time ago, asking my mom to help me dress my barbies. I sat down, started dressing barbie in a very way to sexy pink mini skirt and i thought to myself... "this is what I love the most, this is the best way to use my time. my daughter's and son need my extra time still, and the fulfillment I find in giving it to them way out ways that rush I use to get seeing something I wrote in print... well kind of."

Well it time for me to sign off. Katie is upstairs yelling for me. My oldest daughter Elizabeth has just informed me she squeezed into a Minnie Mouse dress that is about 3 sizes to small and can't get out... were did I put the scissors?

The trials of selfishness

The trials of selfishness

For me, it's always been easy to talk to people. I love to study them, figure them out, get to know their interests and fears. I have always known that not all people were interested in others this way. I've seen the way they ignore each other at the grocery, bump into one another and not apologize.

What is it that makes one person open hearted and giving, and another selfish and hard hearted? Is it the way they were raised? Is it a experience that turned them one way or another?

I have known so many wonderful people in my life so far, but have also known some truly selfish ones as well. You know the type... the ones who see something in your life they want, and will try to ruin your success to justify their failure.

For instance, a friend i once had was jealous of my marriage and children...they had no logical reason for it, it just was. To try and ruin it, they spread rumors, tried to cause problems, all that great stuff messed up people do. None of it succeeded, and during my friendship with this person i did see the warning signs. They would gossip about mutual friends, say horrible shocking things about them. The other Friends never found out because I was to afraid to hurt them. I however could not allow the same to be done to me... I ended the friendship, with lots of social consequences i could give a damn about.

Now here is my dilemma... by not telling the others and letting it go for so long, was i one of the selfish i so looked down upon? Most likely.

Life is complicated. i think we are never 100% of what we believe we should be... we are fallen and act accordingly.