Buried Memories

"A Thousand Words Can't Bring You Back,
I Know Because I Tried
And Neither Can a Million Tears
I Know Because I Cried."
~Author Unknown

Sometimes certain things trigger memories. A bit of colone can remind you of a loved one. A song on the radio, of a special time in your life. A location of a special moment.

Most of the time that memory is buried in the back of our minds... waiting there to be released. If its a painful memory, we sometimes purposely bury it... stick it way back there with our high school trig class or that embarrassing moment you accidentally burped in front of your oh so hot and sophisticated date.

I have quite a few sad memories I've buried in the back of my mind.. some I let out once and awhile, just because they are both painful and sweet... others I never let out. One thought of it and I make myself very busy in order to forget for awhile again.

One memory that keeps coming back to me these last few days was triggered by a song.. a simple sweet love song that I wish was not associated with the circumstance, because the radio stations love to play it when I'm not in the mood to hear it.

The song is Vanessa Carltons "A Thousand Miles."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cwkej79U3ek

About 10 years ago, John and I had our little baby Elizabeth, times were good. We were wrapped up in her... our lives were her. Everything she did we were amazed by. She was our little perfect princess.

I thought it would be so wonderful to give this little beauty a sibling. I wanted her to have someone if something ever happened to John and I. So we started to fun process of baby #2.

But the process was a struggle. It took a long time to get pregnant, I kept getting sick and my cycle was a mess. We decided to take a break.

Then during the break, I got pregnant! I was so excited. John was less so because my pregnancy with Elizabeth had been very hard on us. I was hospitalized most the time, in bed the rest. She kept wanting to join us early.

I took it easy via my doctors orders... She told me, "Nothing much preventive wise can be done for preterm labor the first 3 months, just take it easy, eat well, take care of yourself."

So that's what I did. Elizabeth and I would lay in bed and watch TV, or color or eat brownies :)

It was a precious time with her. A time with no hurry, just her and I cuddling.

I started getting flu like symptoms around the third month. I wrote it off as morning sickness. I could not even let a smell or a food come near me or I would be in the bathroom for hours. It was horrible.

Now, this all sounds normal, right? Puking prego lady who hates the smell of tacos...nothing special.

Then the cramping started... it lasted for days. The doctor could not do anything for me... it was to early in the pregnancy they said.

Two days later, at about 2am.. I got up to use the restroom and gave birth to my baby boy. I sat there for a long time and just cried... cried and cried and cried.

I had never felt such sadness in my life. I did not know this type of sorrow even existed.

Now, looking back, I realize it was my first real trauma, my first real heart break. I've lost other babies sense that time so many years ago, and all where painful and hard. But for some reason, that experience is burned into my mind with such clarity and such color, that it will be there way after my death. I know I'll take it with me into the afterlife, but as a hope of reunion when I meet those angels in heaven.

This is why when someone asks me about pregnancy and having babies I sometimes get a little skittish. The 10 years I spent having my 4 babies, I was always pregnant or nursing. I never took a break. I was determined to get the family I wanted, no matter how much pain I had to endure.

I'm glad now I was so single minded and stubborn... although it put so much stress on my marriage, and did take my time away for some of the kids when they were very little.

While most moms took their toddlers to the playground, i was in bed.... with my toddler or toddlers. My mom would come over and take them out for awhile and they would come back with great fun stories, but I missed most of it.

My sister would come by, stick me in the car and sneak me out for lunch or mom would wheel me around target in a wheel chair. But for the most part, I spent a good part of 10 years in my bed.

Now, I am a energetic person. Before this time I had never spent more then 5 hours in bed. I hated sleep, because you could sleep when you died... i wanted to always be doing something. My mother in law called me "a jumping jelly bean." My mom said I was just active, my dad would say, "awww, she got that from me." But whatever it was, I never stopped...ever.

So God was teaching me a lesson in patience, endurance, strength of mind and character.

A lesson that was painful, hard, and sad. I stuck with it though and taught myself how to design websites while in bed with my laptop. I started my own little business in bed. I read every book on the shelves, watched every episode of my favorite shows. Did all the things you have to sit for.

Now, the memory of that first loose is even a little harder because that baby was buried in Va. So instead of the others which kind of disappeared into heaven, the first has a permanent marker here on earth.

On the way to our small family funeral, the song by Vanessa Carlton came on, and pulled my heart stings to a point of snapping.

And to this day, i hear the song on the radio and listen to it, and see the whole day flash in my mind like I'm watching a movie. And its a tear jerker.

Life's weeds

Today I was outside with the kids, taking advantage of this beautiful, cool weather. I started looking around my yard and noticed some weeds popping up from the rains we've had. I bent over and yanked the ugly thing out, and threw it in the garbage can out front.

Then I started yanking all the little buggers out, and the more I pulled, the more I noticed. Some behind the hibiscus tree, more over in the flower bed, a whole colony by the mailbox.

I was kind of surprised because I had just done this less then a month ago, and the weeds had already come back!

My mom walked by with her Golden Retriever Molly... and saw me doing the yard work. I complained to her about how they had all came back so quickly.

She reminded me that pulling weeds is something that should be done often.. even every other day if you don't want it to get out of control. She said, "When you go to the mail box to get your load of bills, pull some there. When you go to the hose to wash the sand off the kids, pull some there...then it won't get unmanageable."

I thought about it and she was right, its really the same thing with all tasks... leave them go, and they get out of control.

Now the thing with weeds, is that if they are not pulled often enough, they will take all the good soil, nutrients, and water that you want your specimen plants to have.

Weeds have this tendency to grow thick, some have very deep root systems, they spread, have thorns, cause skin irritation and make allergy's worse. Really they are good for nothing but destruction of the garden you worked so hard on.

Then after the weeds where gone, I decided to remove some old dead bushes, transplant some flowers, make the flower bed look nicer. I mulched to make the soil better and retain water for my plants, I placed them at certain angels to display their best sides.

When I was done, I stood back and looked at it. What was before some dead bushes and a bunch of weeds was now a very pretty entry garden. I felt good looking at it... I felt... accomplished!

Being the type of person I am, which is the type that looks to deeply at everything, when I should just be enjoying myself, an interesting thought came to me.

These weeds are a lot like life's problems. Would it not be amazing if our lives where like a garden and we could just yank out life's weeds?

Smoking habit? Pull it out and burn it! Fight with the hubby? Yank that sucker and and plant a rose bush. Kids fighting again? Pull that weed right out and plant a peace lilly.

Life is for sure not that easy! But there is a lesson we can learn from gardening to improve our lives and keep them from becoming unmanageable.

Letting those weeds go for so long, the old weeds had had time to reseed and spread. See most the time, you cant really ever get rid of a weed, they are invasive plants. They reseed and flourish so quickly. Plus they are sneaky, they come in with that bag of mulch you bought from Home Depot, or that bird that flew by, or that new flower you picked up at the nursery.

In our life, weeds will always be there and will always be ready to take over the beautiful things we have. As gardeners of our own lives, bodies, minds... we need to make sure we take the time daily, either though prayer or meditation to ask Gods help in removing these weeds from our life so we don't end up with a life that resembles that house in foreclose down the street, ya know... the one with the 5 foot grass and ivy taking over the place.

Try to come to terms with the fact that these weeds are a part of the landscape. They will always be there and they will always require your attention. The part you have control over is whether or not you put in the time and energy to keep them manageable.

Oh, and don't ever feel bad if you do have the oppruntity to yank a few of the bad ones out and throw them in the trash... its just a better chance of less weeds tomorrow.

Go to the local nursery, buy yourself a beautiful lilac bush and put it where the weed was. Replacing the negative with positive beauty has never done anything but make a girl smile :)

Gods plan

Life has been a absolute whirlwind the past 6 months! We moved from our home of 7 years to a new place we love! The kids have grown up so much, my relationship with my husband has grown deeper as our 14th anniversy approches.

I have met some great new friends, and lost a few others... all of this has been amazing, and even though some of it seemed negative at the time, I have to say i see God's plan in it now.

Thats what I want to write about, Gods plan, fate, faith, providence. Whatever you want to call it. I find it amazingly beautiful, almost like music. You have your highs and lows, your happiness, your tears. But through it all, its shaping you to become who you are today!

I have learned so much over the past two years about who I am. For a long time I was just "mommy." Dont get me wrong, mommy is my most prized and cherished title. But I felt something lacking... a deep something.

I thought maybe I needed more friends, other moms to chat it out with. I found some great ones, but that did not fill the hole.

I tried writing a few articles and got a few published, but that did not do the trick either. I needed something deeper.

I got in shape, lost 80 pounds, build up my body, ran 6 miles a day... I felt great and look much better, but still the hole was there.

Finally about 5 months ago, while packing for our big move I found a note my dad wrote me while I was in college. He said this:

"Jenna, always remember that you are Gods child, on loan to us. Everyday I ask God to be my business partner, my guide. Everyday ask God to be your partner in school, make good decisions, do what's right, help people who need help. Study hard and finish school. Finish what you start, no matter how difficult, that is the greatest accomplishment."

When I saw this old letter from my dad (email was not yet the go to form of communication in 1996), I realized what I've been missing. I need God as my partner. I need to allow Him to guide me and not be so stubborn.

If I would have been doing this all along, listened to that small still voice inside, I would have avoided the bad friendships, made some wiser choices, been all around more successful in life.

So... I started this as a challenge to myself. Naturally, I am a pretty decent person. I don't gossip, I love my family, I can say I have never tried to hurt someone. But I do stupid things too... like drink to much when I do drink, or speak when I should be silent. Or smoke when I'm stressed. And the big one... try to help people who don't want help.

Every morning I asked God to guide me, to help me be better, to make me stronger to temptation. To remove bad people from my life. I have to say the results have been amazing, and painful. Losing friends is not something I'm good at. Anyone who knows me well, knows I am a big believer in faithfulness. Losing those friends was hard, but the positivity that has come into my life since is way worth the pain!

If you think about it... the Big guy loves us, wants us to be happy. He wants us to succeed. If you ask Him for those things and really allow His guidance, you'll get it from him.

Seek and you will find me.

Well I found Him. And He has directed me. Thank God!
I now feel that empty spot filled, because besides mommy, and wife, I'm Gods child.

That is our greatest title.