The JOY of killing narcissism.

My life is full, not of myself, but of little reproductions of John and I that God has granted to our care. I've learned though pretty clear instructions, after lots of mistakes, that real joy and fulfillment for me is to put my all into my family.

There is no greater joy, and its not a sacrifice as some say. The sacrifice is realizing narcissism is a block to real joy. Its hard to fully give up yourself for any service. But once its done, and narcissism is beaten, you realize you were actually sacrificing others for you gain. You were actually destroying your spirit by not doing what really makes us happy. Having real purpose.

Real purpose is not a job, or getting through the day, or meeting friends for lunch. Real purpose is directly affecting another life in a positive way. A way that makes that person grow. A way that shows that person, that in a hard world... love is more powerful.

Real purpose is not something you gain without effort. We are naturally narcissists. Some people more then others.. varying degrees of putting ones self above others. Some achieve the beauty of learning that we were created with the purpose of leading others to love early. Some through good parents, others though life experience, but its a fundamental part of each and everyone of us.

All evil in this world comes from narcissism of one type or another. Greed, racial inequality, injustice, murder, crime. These examples were all rooted at putting ones emotions, needs, person, before another.

In 1 Peter 4:10 it states: "As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace."

It does not tell us to use that gift for our own glory and ego trip, it tells us to use that gift as a service to others.

In Acts 20:35, it tells us: "In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

We are to use the gifts, the blessings we have, granted to us by our creator, to bless those around us. None of us are perfect. But a conscious decision to help those before ourselves is fully explained throughout the Bible as the correct way to live.

Galatians 5:13-14 "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

You see, an example of ultimate love, perfect love can really only be shown by God himself. We are weak, and our flesh, our desires, our little devil on our shoulder... is always there to make us believe in one situation or another that maybe this one time we should be putting ourselves first. Jesus explained this, and gave us real examples of how we should be actually acting. The choices we should be making. Its a effort, its a choice. He gave us that freedom.

John 13:12-14 "When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet."

Mark 10:44-45 "And whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

He's showing us here, that no matter who we are, what we are, what gifts we have.. we have to be a servant. Happiness can not be attainable any other way.

Our society has missed this. We are short term, immediate pleasure, momentary happiness.. a what can "I get outta this" kinda society. Power, greed, pleasure... these things are the "goals" we have been taught to attain for happiness.

While all the time, no ones really happy.

Men can reach the peak of stardom, and commit suicide even though they have more fans then they can count. A man can hold wealth beyond imagine, but still fell empty and alone.

Why? because they are the center of their universe. There is no true giving of ones self for a higher purpose. There is mainly small attempts at short term pleasure, which kills the spirit and separates us from God.

You see, Jesus, who has the ultimate power, as the son of the living God, would be more justified then any of us to have full ability to be self serving. But He is the exact opposite!

1 Corinthians "For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them."

He made himself a servant to all, in order to show us real love. REAL LOVE. Love based though actions. Love shown though sacrifice. Why? So we would be saved from our narcissism.

Its inspiring to see this type of life. Its exciting to live this kind of life. While not perfect.. we can make a decision to act in a manner that puts others before us. And if we act this way enough, it can become habit.

We are capable of being this way. But first you have to sacrifice something. Yourself. And then the blessings will come rolling in.

Proverbs 11:25 "Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered."

Luke 6:38 "Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”

God knows we need some encouragement to make that first step of putting self away. Concentrate on His promise, and look forward to the rewards.

Overcoming Worry.

Being a mother of four has a real learning curve involved. Being a mother of four and home schooling should at times have one of those warning, treacherous roads ahead signs stuck right on it.

As mothers we worry.. A lot. It's a ingrained part that seems to activate itself as soon as the pregnancy test says positive. We worry about everything. Health, education, peer influence, society, crime, danger, car seats, food, sweets, stranger danger.. The list could honestly go on for pages. It's overwhelming. So much so, many mothers of children experience anxiety, depression, and all and out frustration of our lack of control over all the dangers and problems our kids face.

This worry is not part of Gods plan for us as mothers. In First Peter 1:5 we are told: "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

In Matthew 6: 27-30 we read, "Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?"

So now we see as mothers that Biblically, worry is not from God. Worry clouds our faith as parents and does not allow us to really enjoy Gods care and rely on Him for the safety and health of the gifts he has given us though our children.

I am oh so guilty of this .. With four children who I am with every hour of the day, so many things arise that test my faith. I'm growing in this and believe it's a battle I will be waging for a long time to come.

Recently, my second oldest child, Victoria was diagnosed with a 20% curvature of the spine. As a 7 year old this is a pretty big deal. She would have to get more x-rays and cat scans and tests and have to wear a back brace for years. I was devastated! How hard the world is without having to wear a brace and be made fun of and feel different and insecure!

I spoke with Victoria about this before her third appointment with a specialist. I asked her if she was nervous about having to wear a brace. Her response and faith astonished me. She said, "Mom, God created me, he's my heavenly father, he loves me more then you do. He made me just the way I should be. I'm not worried at all!" I simply starred at her and cried in response. Cried my eyes right out driving down US1.. I cried because her faith was so simple and strong. I cried because she was so secure in her faith. I cried because I knew then and there my little girl was amazingly special.

My mom, a experienced mother of four, grandmother of 7 and prayer warrior for all above, came over to my house before we left to the children's hospital to get our second set of x-rays done and get her fitting for the brace. She laid her hands on Victoria and asked God for healing. I prayed with her and believed God could do it, I've seen his miracles before. I know He's in control and can do anything. Worry however was over shadowing my faith. I knew it was wrong.

Worry is so powerful for us mothers. It's all consuming if we allow it. Victoria looked at me after my mom left and said. "Well, I guess I'm healed! No need to go get a brace. I'm all better mom." I once again felt that shame from our previous talk. Her faith is so powerful! I decided then and there to get the worry on check and surrender this problem to my Lord. We got in the car, drove to the hospital and saw the specialist.

After her tests we sat in the doctors room for over a hour. I was starting to worry again. What if they saw something horrible? What if?

Almost immediately, God spoke to me with his gentle and stern voice about my faith, and gave me pure peace. I knew she was fine then. Strange for a mom to go from worry to peace in a split second.. But I did.

"Ok God" I said, "I'm back on track. She's fine, you have her in your hand."

The specialist came in with two sets of x-rays. "Ok, Victoria," he said. "This x-ray shows a very crocked spine.. 20% curvature he said looking at me." "On the second x-ray we now are only seeing a 11% curvature which we consider very normal. No brace for you my dear, your free to go home!" I sat there and said nothing for a moment.

Then I looked at the doctor and said, "How can this be?" His response was wonderful, "Sometimes we just don't question things. You don't need to fix what's not broken. Bring her back in six months for a follow up.. But I'm pretty sure she's just fine."

When the doctor left the room Victoria and I got on our hands and knees and thanked our Father for his healing, for building our faith, for loving us, for being our Great Physician.

"Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones."

God taught me a very important lesson, and my learning curve is improving because of it. Worry is not from Him. It's a hindrance to our relationship with Him and with our children. Put all your Faith in Him. Work on it everyday. Ask Him for help. Ask Him to give you the strength to overcome worry. He will provide. He is all powerful. Study your Bible, read His word, pray for stronger faith. You'll be a better mother for it.

Romans 10:17; "So faith comes from hearing, that is, hearing the Good News about Christ."

Buried Memories

"A Thousand Words Can't Bring You Back,
I Know Because I Tried
And Neither Can a Million Tears
I Know Because I Cried."
~Author Unknown

Sometimes certain things trigger memories. A bit of colone can remind you of a loved one. A song on the radio, of a special time in your life. A location of a special moment.

Most of the time that memory is buried in the back of our minds... waiting there to be released. If its a painful memory, we sometimes purposely bury it... stick it way back there with our high school trig class or that embarrassing moment you accidentally burped in front of your oh so hot and sophisticated date.

I have quite a few sad memories I've buried in the back of my mind.. some I let out once and awhile, just because they are both painful and sweet... others I never let out. One thought of it and I make myself very busy in order to forget for awhile again.

One memory that keeps coming back to me these last few days was triggered by a song.. a simple sweet love song that I wish was not associated with the circumstance, because the radio stations love to play it when I'm not in the mood to hear it.

The song is Vanessa Carltons "A Thousand Miles."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cwkej79U3ek

About 10 years ago, John and I had our little baby Elizabeth, times were good. We were wrapped up in her... our lives were her. Everything she did we were amazed by. She was our little perfect princess.

I thought it would be so wonderful to give this little beauty a sibling. I wanted her to have someone if something ever happened to John and I. So we started to fun process of baby #2.

But the process was a struggle. It took a long time to get pregnant, I kept getting sick and my cycle was a mess. We decided to take a break.

Then during the break, I got pregnant! I was so excited. John was less so because my pregnancy with Elizabeth had been very hard on us. I was hospitalized most the time, in bed the rest. She kept wanting to join us early.

I took it easy via my doctors orders... She told me, "Nothing much preventive wise can be done for preterm labor the first 3 months, just take it easy, eat well, take care of yourself."

So that's what I did. Elizabeth and I would lay in bed and watch TV, or color or eat brownies :)

It was a precious time with her. A time with no hurry, just her and I cuddling.

I started getting flu like symptoms around the third month. I wrote it off as morning sickness. I could not even let a smell or a food come near me or I would be in the bathroom for hours. It was horrible.

Now, this all sounds normal, right? Puking prego lady who hates the smell of tacos...nothing special.

Then the cramping started... it lasted for days. The doctor could not do anything for me... it was to early in the pregnancy they said.

Two days later, at about 2am.. I got up to use the restroom and gave birth to my baby boy. I sat there for a long time and just cried... cried and cried and cried.

I had never felt such sadness in my life. I did not know this type of sorrow even existed.

Now, looking back, I realize it was my first real trauma, my first real heart break. I've lost other babies sense that time so many years ago, and all where painful and hard. But for some reason, that experience is burned into my mind with such clarity and such color, that it will be there way after my death. I know I'll take it with me into the afterlife, but as a hope of reunion when I meet those angels in heaven.

This is why when someone asks me about pregnancy and having babies I sometimes get a little skittish. The 10 years I spent having my 4 babies, I was always pregnant or nursing. I never took a break. I was determined to get the family I wanted, no matter how much pain I had to endure.

I'm glad now I was so single minded and stubborn... although it put so much stress on my marriage, and did take my time away for some of the kids when they were very little.

While most moms took their toddlers to the playground, i was in bed.... with my toddler or toddlers. My mom would come over and take them out for awhile and they would come back with great fun stories, but I missed most of it.

My sister would come by, stick me in the car and sneak me out for lunch or mom would wheel me around target in a wheel chair. But for the most part, I spent a good part of 10 years in my bed.

Now, I am a energetic person. Before this time I had never spent more then 5 hours in bed. I hated sleep, because you could sleep when you died... i wanted to always be doing something. My mother in law called me "a jumping jelly bean." My mom said I was just active, my dad would say, "awww, she got that from me." But whatever it was, I never stopped...ever.

So God was teaching me a lesson in patience, endurance, strength of mind and character.

A lesson that was painful, hard, and sad. I stuck with it though and taught myself how to design websites while in bed with my laptop. I started my own little business in bed. I read every book on the shelves, watched every episode of my favorite shows. Did all the things you have to sit for.

Now, the memory of that first loose is even a little harder because that baby was buried in Va. So instead of the others which kind of disappeared into heaven, the first has a permanent marker here on earth.

On the way to our small family funeral, the song by Vanessa Carlton came on, and pulled my heart stings to a point of snapping.

And to this day, i hear the song on the radio and listen to it, and see the whole day flash in my mind like I'm watching a movie. And its a tear jerker.

Life's weeds

Today I was outside with the kids, taking advantage of this beautiful, cool weather. I started looking around my yard and noticed some weeds popping up from the rains we've had. I bent over and yanked the ugly thing out, and threw it in the garbage can out front.

Then I started yanking all the little buggers out, and the more I pulled, the more I noticed. Some behind the hibiscus tree, more over in the flower bed, a whole colony by the mailbox.

I was kind of surprised because I had just done this less then a month ago, and the weeds had already come back!

My mom walked by with her Golden Retriever Molly... and saw me doing the yard work. I complained to her about how they had all came back so quickly.

She reminded me that pulling weeds is something that should be done often.. even every other day if you don't want it to get out of control. She said, "When you go to the mail box to get your load of bills, pull some there. When you go to the hose to wash the sand off the kids, pull some there...then it won't get unmanageable."

I thought about it and she was right, its really the same thing with all tasks... leave them go, and they get out of control.

Now the thing with weeds, is that if they are not pulled often enough, they will take all the good soil, nutrients, and water that you want your specimen plants to have.

Weeds have this tendency to grow thick, some have very deep root systems, they spread, have thorns, cause skin irritation and make allergy's worse. Really they are good for nothing but destruction of the garden you worked so hard on.

Then after the weeds where gone, I decided to remove some old dead bushes, transplant some flowers, make the flower bed look nicer. I mulched to make the soil better and retain water for my plants, I placed them at certain angels to display their best sides.

When I was done, I stood back and looked at it. What was before some dead bushes and a bunch of weeds was now a very pretty entry garden. I felt good looking at it... I felt... accomplished!

Being the type of person I am, which is the type that looks to deeply at everything, when I should just be enjoying myself, an interesting thought came to me.

These weeds are a lot like life's problems. Would it not be amazing if our lives where like a garden and we could just yank out life's weeds?

Smoking habit? Pull it out and burn it! Fight with the hubby? Yank that sucker and and plant a rose bush. Kids fighting again? Pull that weed right out and plant a peace lilly.

Life is for sure not that easy! But there is a lesson we can learn from gardening to improve our lives and keep them from becoming unmanageable.

Letting those weeds go for so long, the old weeds had had time to reseed and spread. See most the time, you cant really ever get rid of a weed, they are invasive plants. They reseed and flourish so quickly. Plus they are sneaky, they come in with that bag of mulch you bought from Home Depot, or that bird that flew by, or that new flower you picked up at the nursery.

In our life, weeds will always be there and will always be ready to take over the beautiful things we have. As gardeners of our own lives, bodies, minds... we need to make sure we take the time daily, either though prayer or meditation to ask Gods help in removing these weeds from our life so we don't end up with a life that resembles that house in foreclose down the street, ya know... the one with the 5 foot grass and ivy taking over the place.

Try to come to terms with the fact that these weeds are a part of the landscape. They will always be there and they will always require your attention. The part you have control over is whether or not you put in the time and energy to keep them manageable.

Oh, and don't ever feel bad if you do have the oppruntity to yank a few of the bad ones out and throw them in the trash... its just a better chance of less weeds tomorrow.

Go to the local nursery, buy yourself a beautiful lilac bush and put it where the weed was. Replacing the negative with positive beauty has never done anything but make a girl smile :)

Gods plan

Life has been a absolute whirlwind the past 6 months! We moved from our home of 7 years to a new place we love! The kids have grown up so much, my relationship with my husband has grown deeper as our 14th anniversy approches.

I have met some great new friends, and lost a few others... all of this has been amazing, and even though some of it seemed negative at the time, I have to say i see God's plan in it now.

Thats what I want to write about, Gods plan, fate, faith, providence. Whatever you want to call it. I find it amazingly beautiful, almost like music. You have your highs and lows, your happiness, your tears. But through it all, its shaping you to become who you are today!

I have learned so much over the past two years about who I am. For a long time I was just "mommy." Dont get me wrong, mommy is my most prized and cherished title. But I felt something lacking... a deep something.

I thought maybe I needed more friends, other moms to chat it out with. I found some great ones, but that did not fill the hole.

I tried writing a few articles and got a few published, but that did not do the trick either. I needed something deeper.

I got in shape, lost 80 pounds, build up my body, ran 6 miles a day... I felt great and look much better, but still the hole was there.

Finally about 5 months ago, while packing for our big move I found a note my dad wrote me while I was in college. He said this:

"Jenna, always remember that you are Gods child, on loan to us. Everyday I ask God to be my business partner, my guide. Everyday ask God to be your partner in school, make good decisions, do what's right, help people who need help. Study hard and finish school. Finish what you start, no matter how difficult, that is the greatest accomplishment."

When I saw this old letter from my dad (email was not yet the go to form of communication in 1996), I realized what I've been missing. I need God as my partner. I need to allow Him to guide me and not be so stubborn.

If I would have been doing this all along, listened to that small still voice inside, I would have avoided the bad friendships, made some wiser choices, been all around more successful in life.

So... I started this as a challenge to myself. Naturally, I am a pretty decent person. I don't gossip, I love my family, I can say I have never tried to hurt someone. But I do stupid things too... like drink to much when I do drink, or speak when I should be silent. Or smoke when I'm stressed. And the big one... try to help people who don't want help.

Every morning I asked God to guide me, to help me be better, to make me stronger to temptation. To remove bad people from my life. I have to say the results have been amazing, and painful. Losing friends is not something I'm good at. Anyone who knows me well, knows I am a big believer in faithfulness. Losing those friends was hard, but the positivity that has come into my life since is way worth the pain!

If you think about it... the Big guy loves us, wants us to be happy. He wants us to succeed. If you ask Him for those things and really allow His guidance, you'll get it from him.

Seek and you will find me.

Well I found Him. And He has directed me. Thank God!
I now feel that empty spot filled, because besides mommy, and wife, I'm Gods child.

That is our greatest title.

My Grandfathers love for this country

Well, it's the 4th of July. I have so many emotions and opinions about today and what it represents. Our country has taken a dramatic turn since that day we declared Independence. We have gone from a people who want little government and no ruling hand telling us what we can and can't do, to a welfare society looking for the next hand out.

My grandfather came here from Sicily. He always use to say that the Mafia ruled there and if you wanted to get anywhere in life, it had to be with them or though them. They required payments for safety, loyalty above all others, they were the ruling hand. When my family came here, my Great grandfather Rosario was well aware that if he wanted freedom and peace for his son, America was the answer.

I wonder what great grandpa would think about us now. Would he be proud of the way we have sat back and watched our country lose its sovernty to the United nations? Would he be proud at all our freedoms being whisked away in long bills, no one has read, voted on in mass rushes clothed in emergency's?

I doubt it. My grandpa, the young boy, new to America, remembered coming to America as a celebration. In fact, because of their origins in the farm town of Combello Sicily, they were unsure of their birthdays. When they had to register in the new country, they all claimed their birthdays as July 4th.

Our country's Independence became their new date of birth, their new life. It had started. Tears come to my eyes as I write this. The fact that so much joy, so much love for this country was carried over in my family on that boat brings me pride like no other.

Today, my grandfather who graduated from Cornell law school in two years, served in the Air Force as a pilot, served on the NY state supreme court, and ran for President against John F Kennedy was a true American.

He believed in this country. He knew we had great potential.

Please don't forget why your family came here. We are a wild, proud, fighting, independent people. We come from explores who left their country's to give their families the gift of freedom.

We need to honor their memories and never forget that this country is GREAT! We are Americans! We are FREE! We need to never ever forget that the politicians are not America, WE ARE AMERICA!

God Bless you and the many who have died for us in glory to keep us free. Please don't let our families sacrifices to leave all known lands, to come here, to make us free, be in vain.

As my grandfather today lies in bed, suffering from the horrible disease of Altimers, he is unaware of the road we have started on. For that I am thankful. I don't think he would be pleased with us one bit. In fact, he want to kick our wimpy asses back to Sicily.

my life as a Christian, a non legalistic one.....

Every day, every moment, my relationship with my Savior is one that is always in the back of my mind. That's the problem... learning to balance my tendency to go into what I call "Maintenance Mode" with my kids and let everything else kinda come second.

I have been raised as a Christian, my parents are wonderful people who display Christs love to everyone they meet (some of you may have experienced this already). Its a hard act to follow. But the high expectations that puts on me is a good thing.

Every now and then, God gives me a slap on the head and says... "Jenna, Me first, those kids you have were a gift from me... that's husband of yours is a gift from me... those parents of yours are a gift from me."

I am the kinda gal who enjoys a good time. I love to have fun, I love people, I love kids, I love relationships and I love the work you put into them. Its so satisfying to see after almost 12 years, my marriage which has had good and hard times, come out almost 12 years later so legitly real.

The hard times, God allowed, I believe, to bring John and I out of our comfort zones and have to relay on Him.

We looked at each other after a very hard year of Elizabeth being very ill, John losing his job at the brokerage firm, and having to work 2 full time jobs to keep this roof over our head, and we can now say... "Wow, we learned a heck of a lot!."

We learned that Family is everything... love them no matter what... as with all things "This to shall pass."

We learned that we are a team. Our kids depend on us, we have pretty traditional roles and we find that works well for us. He goes to work, I stay home and take care of babies.

We learned that good friends are a blessing.

We learned though Elizabeth being sick and John losing his job that being a good friend is as important as having good friends.

"A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.Prov 18:24 New King James Version"

We also learned that all things really do work out for good... we have a pretty damn good life. One I am proud of. We have 4 beautiful children who I think are pretty good kids. They all have distinct personalities that God has giving them and I would not change one!

Elizabeth: smart, loving, a care giver. Always there to pick up a fallen friend or sibling.

Victoria: strong, opinioned, loving and snuggly. Always willing to hug and kiss her mama... always ready to defend a sibling!

Katie: Sweet, loving, precious... and feisty!

Johnny: all boy, loves his mama, looks up to his dada.. ready to smash and crash.

What it comes down to is that I really feel God has blessed us, has a plan for us, forgives us, and just like I have to discipline my kids and love them even though they are not perfect. My heavenly father loves me even though I have a few beers, say a curse word once and awhile, and yell at my kids for unrolling all the TP.

He loves me because I love him... he loves me because I am his child... he loves me because he created me. And let me tell ya, my God is always there... he never leaves me. He loves me!